Contractor’s, Goat Wrangling, and The Sheriffs Deputy….
Do you have a problem with constantly causing or being involved in awkward situations? Well, you’re not alone, welcome to the group. We meet at my kitchen island every night at 6pm for a round of drinks while we dwell on all of the awkward situations we have put ourselves in going back to our childhood days.
Yesterday was just another one of those days where nothing really went as planned. You see, we spent a small fortune having a building for our goats constructed. You may ask “why didn’t you just build it?” Well, because I didn’t want this this thing to collapse after a few days, that’s why. The contractors show up and everything is going smoothly. I tell them that I would put the goats in their second enclosure so they wouldn’t bother them. That went well, at first.
The three adult goats were easily lured into the area with treats. Easy peasy chicken squeezy. The baby goat on the other hand was not having it. If you read my turkey hunting story, you will know that I am not the most athletic, limber person in the world. In fact, I’m the complete opposite. But here I was, a beer in one hand and goat treats in the other begging her to just listen to me. Apparently human english is not her first language because she did not listen.
At this point I am trying to hurry so the contractors can start bringing material in. I lured her close to me, reached down to grab her, and she took off. I would like to be able to say I ran her down but it was more of a power walk with heavy breathing. I finally grab her and she suddenly turns into a 4 legged fish with sharp horns. I then stumble to the ground while holding this floundering psycho and I’m pretty sure half my crack was hanging out at the workers delight.
I did it though! I finally got her into the enclosure with the other goats. It was then I heard a noise I have not heard in years. The old dial up, AOL internet noise. I was baffled. I could not figure out where it was coming from. That’s when I heard a females voice coming from my pocket. I put the phone to my ear and I hear, “Gilmer county 911, sir what is your emergency?"
Ahhh crap….. This poor lady spent God knows how long listening to cussing and heavy breathing. To make matters worse, I could not understand what she was asking. I don’t know if she had an accent or if my heavy breathing was distorting my hearing. She kept asking something and I just kept repeating “I pocket dialed you while wrestling a goat, I promise, that’s it”. I probably repeated that 4 times before I realized that she was just asking me my name. I tell her my name and the questions started back up but I still could not understand her and just kept repeating the same phrase. Finally we understood each other, I caught my breath, and we ended the call.
I spent the next 8 minutes at my kitchen island thinking about how I mooned my contractors and how I really need to go on a diet because I just got my butt kicked by a 15 pound goat. Then there was knock at the door. It was a Sheriff deputy. I’m thinking he will never believe this story. Hell, I find it hard to believe and it happened to me! As soon as I open the door, my genius English Bulldog rushes out first. So now I have to wrestle this 50 pound behemoth before he starts humping the Sheriff’s freshly pressed pants. I look at the officer and all I can say is, “You ain’t gonna believe this sh*t……”
Luckily he did believe me. Or at least he pretended to. So now it’s just another awkward situation I put myself in that I will think about while wide awake in the bed at 2am at least 3 times a month.